Day 121 I'm Not Trapped Anymore

Day 121

I'm Not Trapped Anymore

I examined myself in the mirror today for a little longer than normal. I know that I'm feeling lighter and looking much better, but I don't make a habit of really looking. After all, I've avoided my reflection in anything and everything that reflects my image for years and years. So making myself look for an extended period was different. I like what I'm seeing. The weight is coming off nicely. I do wish we had complete control over where it comes off first. I noticed my face, neck, and shoulders are much thinner than they were at 505, I'm gonna have to add some muscle to my shoulders and neck! I'm pleased with the visual progress over the rest of this abused body too. I felt really good after posing, I mean, uh, looking at myself in the mirror. It gave me an extra boost of confidence I occasionally need.

We traveled to Stillwater this evening to celebrate Irene's birthday a couple of days early with the family. I think this may have been the first birthday get together without a cake. I do plan on getting a cake of some kind for Irene on Thursday, but she's not real big on cake, so she didn't seem to mind the absence of cake tonight. We dined at Charlie's Chicken. They have what's called chicken chunks. These whole breast chunks are lightly breaded and fried to a golden brown. I had three chunks, a portion of mashed potatoes with a just a little gravy, and green beans. I didn't eat the roll. I had to draw on my experience with counting fried chicken calories to determine the calories. Each of my chunks were different in size. I had a big one, a medium one, and a small one. I safely determined the big chunk of breast meat was 100, the middle-80, and the small chunk-60. For a total of 240 in breast meat. The mashed potatoes were comparable to other restaurant portions that have calorie counts, and since these tasted slightly better, I added 30 calories to the normal 120 you get down the street, making the potatoes 150, and the green beans were 60. Normally a portion of green beans wouldn't be that high, but these were flavored with bacon and onions, and oh boy they tasted good. For the record I didn't find any bacon pieces in them. I had water to drink and a complete meal calorie count of 450. I enjoyed the dinner, the family, and I was very satisfied. It's funny because eating out always gets blamed for weight gain. �Well, we just eat out too much.� I use to say that all the time, but I've learned, it's not the restaurant or the food, it's the choices we make. You can make any visit to any restaurant a good visit if you make the right choices. I feel like I could call this journey �The Amazing Eating Out Diet� sometimes, because we have had more than our share of restaurant meals in the last 121 days.

The one thing I don't feel anymore is trapped. I often times have felt trapped by my weight. Powerless to the addiction and hopeless for a solution. This is a really bad place to be. If you've ever shed tears over your weight while eating a pint of ice cream or whatever your favorite food may be, then you know what I'm talking about. I know what that feels like. I've had suspicious chest pains right before tearing up a buffet. The pains were probably gas, but I didn't know that for sure, and still I ate it all. It's a horrible feeling to be so addicted and out of control. I don't feel that way now. I feel free from that self-imposed prison sentence. So how did I escape? I decided that I had to do it or die young. But even after that realization, I still wasn't ready. Like Patrice O'Neal says �death isn't enough motivation.� That isn't necessarily true. It is enough motivation, but if you can't figure out where to start, or how to start, then all the motivation in the world isn't going to do it for you. I had to get a plan together. I knew the basic principle of eating less and exercising would work, so I started there. I set a 1,500 calorie per day limit and made myself walk as much as I could. I knew that this would require strict policing of my hand to mouth motions. If you go back and read some of the early entries, like the first two weeks, then you will see that the calorie limit is a constant, the exercise keeps evolving as it gets easier. It's hard to believe that 121 days ago I could barely make it through a quarter mile of walking really slow. I'm finally loving myself enough to do it. I'm worth it and if you're struggling then you need to realize that you're worth it too. Love yourself enough to live. I really want to live, ya know? I want to see what my life could be like as a slim and fit person. I think it could be whatever I want it to be. And I know the only way for me to get there is to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm learning about portions, I'm discovering how exercise makes me feel, I'm changing habits I've had my entire life, and I'm doing it by keeping it very simple. As I approach the first 100 pound goal, I realize that I've got a ways to go. But I'm truly excited about what lies ahead. It's a whole new world of freedom that not long ago seemed so far away.

Saying �you have to love yourself enough to live� is something different for everyone. I'm not a psychiatrist, and I probably don't even know what it is or was deep in my brain that made me so abusive to my body for so long. But I'll tell you something I decided. I decided to focus on the future and how I want it to be. I decided to embrace myself and love me enough to change for the better. This whole �loving yourself� thing is very real. And when that's in place and the changes are beginning to take shape, then everything and everyone around you benefits. How much? I don't know yet, I'm not done. And maybe someday I will lay on a couch and spill everything out and get to the bottom of my past self-destructive nature, but until then I have a strangle hold on anything that attempts to break my stride. And I'm not letting go, it's just too important.

We received a very nice gift this evening from Rachel and Neil. They stopped by the party and dropped off the Richard Simmons �Sweatin' To The Oldies� 20th Anniversary DVD. That was my workout tonight. I can see where this is going to be a real nice thing to have when our schedule prevents a YMCA trip and it's brutally cold outside. After getting past my own macho �I feel goofy� attitude, it really started to make me sweat. I was sweatin' to the oldies by golly! It was a little hard to keep up, because I wasn't familiar with it, but I was moving, and that's what it's all about. We're going to use that DVD often, I gaurantee.

Speaking of exercise, I have an appointment at the YMCA tomorrow at 4:30 for a complete tutorial of the weight training machines. I will not allow anything to crash my schedule this time. I will be there with bells on. Because I have to burn fat and tone! Thank you for reading along this daily journey. Your support is invaluable to me. Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 120 Being That "Fat Guy" For A Limited Time Only

Day 120

Being That �Fat Guy� For A Limited Time Only

Well, well, well...So this is how the �towel users� feel after a workout. Now don't get me wrong, I sweat during my workouts, but I never look completely �wring out the shirt� drenched. And I still didn't today, but I did use a towel because I was workin' it! I still didn't have my private lesson with the trainer over the machines, but that will work out later this week. What I did do is something I've stayed away from in an effort to avoid embarrassment. As a lifetime �fat guy�, I've understood the role I sometimes unknowingly play in certain situations. I'm the fat guy trying to tie my shoes, or the fat guy trying to squeeze through the turnstile, or hey look! I'm the fat guy stuffed into that little car at the light, or the fat guy trying desperately to fit on an amusement park ride so I can experience it with my kids. �The fat guy� provides some humor to strangers around him in these situations, and although most make sure the �fat guy� doesn't know they're getting a kick out of watching him try to pick up the change he just dropped, the �fat guy� knows he's providing entertainment on some low level. Some �fat guys� really don't care what anyone thinks, the evidence: they like to wear clothes four sizes too small. Me? I've always been aware. Until recently, not enough to do anything about it, but aware nonetheless. I've spent my entire �fat guy� career trying to avoid situations where I'm the spontaneous circus side show. So when I decided to get on that exercise bike at the YMCA, I was really out of my comfort zone. A �fat guy� on a bike is unscripted comedy waiting to happen. I stopped riding bikes of any kind somewhere around 14 years old and 275 pounds. But I decided there wasn't a person in that place that wouldn't applaud my effort. Everyone there is doing the same thing, trying to get a good workout, and I felt like the bike could kick it up a notch for me and I was right. Oh boy was I right. After a hard two miles on the treadmill I jumped on the bike, ok, maybe �jumped� isn't the right word. I slowly adjusted the seat and scanned the room to make sure everybody was in their own little world, then I put one foot in the stirrup and mounted up. After struggling for a few seconds with the other foot I was ready to ride. I really don't think the seat was designed with me in mind, but it wasn't too bad, although I'm pretty sure I can't have anymore children...I'm OK with that. Within five minutes of pedaling I was feeling the burn in my legs. I couldn't quit though, I was in a rhythm. The Chili Peppers were blasting through my earphones and I my legs felt like they just chewed a mouth full of jalape�os. But I kept going, right through the burn. I envisioned fat being melted away from that burn, magically dissolving ounce by ounce. After what felt like forever, I slowly got off the bike and realized it was OK. There wasn't a crowd gathered around laughing, parents weren't hushing hurtful comments from their children, no, everyone was still going about their workout the same as before I started cycling. Then I realized something. I'm not saying that people don't get a laugh at a struggling fat guy every now and then, but maybe, just maybe I have always magnified it in my own mind, making it feel ten times worse than it ever was. I guess what we perceive to be the most embarrassing circumstances, often times are blown way out of proportion after they're filtered through our insecurities. I hope I'm making some sense here.

I made the most wonderful �on the run� lunch today. I fixed myself two turkey and cheese roll ups. It was real simple: some wafer thin turkey and a half a slice of American on a tortilla, rolled up and microwaved for about 20 seconds. Not enough to bubble the cheese, just enough to be smooth and slightly warm. I could've been really gourmet and added veggies, but I was in a hurry! Each roll up checked in at 160 calories, and 320 for lunch isn't bad at all. I was very satisfied indeed. I have to try some different things because I tend to get into a habit of the same old tried and true stuff. I can't tell you how many value menu orders of Wendy's Chili I've consumed in the last 120 days for lunch. It's good chili, and only 190 calories, but I'm getting really bored with it. I bet I've had 25 or 30 of those things since I started. I can't make chili for three at home for three bucks and some change, so it's definitely a good value price wise and calorie wise.

I feel great about today. I really got in there and worked it out. Oh, I've been in there many times in the last 120 days, but today was even better because it seems I've been really lazy lately. I'm not doing just enough to get by, I want to do what I know I can do. It's real easy to do just what's needed for so-so results, but I have a 10 pound goal to meet in 9 short days, and by golly I'm going to do it! Maybe that's a facet of this journey I need to re-examine. The benefits of setting two week goals. You know I have a 100 pound goal, and a 115 pound goal, then 200, then 250, and on and on...But maybe I need to break those down. You know what I mean? I tell you one thing I will not be doing when I hit the first 100 pound goal. I'm not celebrating with a gorge fest like I did in 2004. You might remember reading about this early on in this blog series. After I hit the 100 pound mark in 2004, we celebrated Courtney's birthday and my 100 pound goal at the Hideaway. I had all kinds of pizza and fried mushrooms and didn't count a single calorie. I was celebrating! But there are better ways to celebrate, especially when the journey isn't finished! Maybe I'll celebrate with another 5K! That's the spirit!

Thank you for taking the time to read and follow my daily journey toward no longer being the �fat guy.� I'm getting there one day at a time. Your support is greatly appreciated! Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 119 Smaller Man Breast and Other Positive Results

Day 119

Smaller Man Breast and Other Positive Results

Today was completely different than yesterday. I slept through breakfast time, and went straight for lunch when I woke up. Courtney was staying at a friends house, so I fixed Irene and me lunch in bed. I found only one chicken breast in the freezer. I put that on the Foreman Grill while I chopped some onions, tomatoes, and lettuce. The dish? Soft chicken tacos for two! I grabbed some small soft flour tortillas and spread a thin layer of sour cream on four of them. I sprinkled the veggies and some finely shredded cheddar on them and waited for the chicken to finish cooking. It normally doesn't take so long, but this one was frozen to start. After I was convinced it was completely cooked, I sliced it into small strips and divided the chicken among four soft tacos. I brought the salsa bottle to the bedside and we were set! The highest calorie ingredient was the tortillas at 85 each, and each taco had a total count of 180. So 360 calories for lunch isn't bad at all, and the calories I skipped for breakfast opened up a little more snack calories for later. Counting calories doesn't have to be boring or depriving at all. This lunch was delicious and filling, anything but boring and depriving.

It was a lazy Sunday around here for sure. As I watched TV this afternoon I noticed something cool. I can sit on the couch with my legs up and one leg bent and tucked in. I could kind of do it before, but nothing like today. It was easy, not quite like crossing my legs, but really close. It was a big difference indeed. Then as I was laying in bed trying to gently wake Irene, I gave myself an examination. My man boobs are smaller! I kid you not!! They have shrunk considerably. This made me feel really good. I can almost sit like a slim person and my chest fat is slowly shrinking away. It's easy to just go about my daily routine and not notice these things specifically. But when I do take the time to notice, it reinforces my dedication to the mission. So many times in the past I've started on this journey, but didn't make it to the results portion of the show. Results are progress points that do wonders for the forward momentum of our journey. Feeling and seeing the fruits of our labor is a big part of success. I've referred to it in these writings as the �success snowball effect, or positive results snowball effect.� Positive results are addictive, and make me want more, and getting more means continuing to do the things that have led to this success. Instead of watching TV this afternoon I should have been at the YMCA working out...I'm gonna need another paragraph for this.

Even with the pressure of a solid 10 pound goal for next weigh day, I still didn't drag my lazy butt off the couch and get into the Y today. Do I walk in the cold again tonight? Or do I try some inside exercises like I've done before? I'll go for the indoor exercises tonight. The problem with those is, it's really hard to duplicate the intensity of a workout at the fitness center. Rachel is giving us a �Sweatin' To The Oldies� DVD on Tuesday, and I plan on using it on a regular basis! My biggest challenge by far is getting enough exercise time. There's no good excuse for not. So when I ask myself the question: Am I doing everything I can do to make me lose the most weight possible? The answer is no. I've got to change that very quickly. As I approach the 100 pound lost mark, I realize that the next 100 pounds may be a little more challenging. This is no time to take a relaxed approach to exercise. This is the time to kick myself into high gear and get it done. Instead of waiting until 8pm, Courtney and I will go to the YMCA at 4pm tomorrow. Perhaps I can finally get that tutorial on the weight machines that I've been talking about getting since the Monday after Thanksgiving. Geez, I mean, the results are great so far, but is it what I'm capable of? No, not at all. I've got the calorie thing down 100%, the self analysis and psychological understanding is great, but the exercise thing needs work. I'm going to need a towel at the Y tomorrow I guarantee.

By the way, I enjoyed a molten chocolate cake today! It was one of those Warm Delights Mini bowls. It's only 150 calories and a taste of chocolate indulgence for sure! They're so easy to make and we're definitely making them a part of our grocery budget from here on out!

Irene has a birthday coming up on Thursday. She's turning 29 again. I have no idea how she's turned back the hands of time, but she has! She still gets asked for her ID everywhere. She has always looked young and sometimes is mistaken for Amber and Courtney's sister! That's cool. So I'm not going to say how old she'll really be, because like they say...You're only as old as you feel! That number has nothing to do with it! I better hit the floor, I feel some mean jumping jacks coming on. Thank goodness we don't live above anyone! And we have a concrete slab foundation. 'Cause I'm about to bring it! Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 118 Big Breakfast and The Shadow Boxing Defense

Day 118

Big Breakfast and The Shadow Boxing Defense

Today I started the day by eating more breakfast calories than I have in the last 118 days. Irene and I had a breakfast date. Sometimes our schedules are so opposite each other that we have to get creative to spend time together. I had a whopping 750 calories for breakfast. Half my calories consumed before 8am, oh boy, what was my plan for this? I knew I was intentionally skipping lunch, so I just combined the calories for breakfast. I still was second guessing the decision, thinking of ways I could have done better. I did send the butter drenched toast back. I forgot to order them dry. Good thing I sent them back, because I bet there was 200 calories worth of real butter on those things. I avoid real butter because it's just so loaded, besides I like to use the toast on the eggs, or uh, the eggs on the toast. I have to admit I took a sip of Irene's coffee. I haven't had a taste of coffee in a long time, but it looked so good! It wasn't really, and you know how I am about using calories for drinks. That's why I gave up coffee. It wasn't the caffeine I was concerned about, it was the calories in the creamer. Those calories are not that bad in a cup, but I use to drink several cups a day sometimes, and that starts to add up fast. It was a very nice breakfast with my wife and well worth the calories!

I walked two miles tonight in the cold, by myself, in the dark. Irene's at work and Courtney is staying at a friends house tonight. I didn't like it at all. Part of the trail is really dark, and I may be a big grown man, but I'll admit, I get a little freaked out in the darkest parts of that trail. It's funny, when I see someone out there that looks a little scary, I just add shadow boxing to my walk. I try to look as tough as I can. Surely this �crazy� isn't going to mess with a 6'3 415 pound man shadow boxing...then I realize they're not crazy, just exercising like me. I was probably scaring them by punching into the air. Sorry mysterious looking older man at the trail! I'm a little weirdo sometimes for sure! Oh, and did I mention I forgot my iPod? I would've made the trip back for it, but I was already out of the car. I missed it a bunch.

I'm really thrilled about hitting the 100 pound mark by the 21st. I know I can do it. I also know I really need to do a little more than I've been doing in the exercise department. I find it very difficult to break out of the same old routine. I'm so use to walking now, that unless I do a 5K, I don't feel like I've done enough, ya know? Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. But that's just it...I'm not being hard enough! A more intense workout is something I've been talking about for how long? At least a month and a half, that's the answer. And I have walked several 5K's since, but I'm talking about at the Y. I want to need a towel when I'm done. They have towels, I see people using them, but me? No, I just get in my workout and then wipe off the machine with paper towels and disinfectant spray like everyone else, except the towel users. Towel users are the ones really working hard. So hard in fact, they need a towel for all the perspiration. When I start needing a towel, then I'll be satisfied with my workout level.

I'm really tired tonight. I'm heading to bed early for a Saturday night. I hope you and yours are doing great. Thanks for reading! Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 117 Temptation Vs. My Inner Voice

Day 117

Temptation Vs. My Inner Voice

Learning how to deal with temptation is a big part of this game. When I'm facing something tempting, I immediately start running the numbers in my head. If the calories in the temptation will drastically effect my dinner plans and late night snack, then I usually will pass. So sometimes I choose food based on mathematics. I say �usually,� because you know, especially if you read this blog on a regular basis, I sometimes leave myself without a calorie to spare hours before bedtime. It's all in the choices right?

Today a co-worker of mine brought in some chocolate covered Oreos. I love oreos, and chocolate covered? Oh yeah, that's even better! But they really looked loaded. The gift package they came in didn't have a calorie count, so I googled it, and walla-- 100 calories per cookie. At that point in the day I'd only had 300 calories, so I could �afford it,� but did I want to spend 100 calories on that little taste of chocolate covered heaven? No. I politely declined the offer. But I was tempted! How do I deal with temptation mentally? I have to say, as I get further along this journey, it's getting much easier. At a certain point I realized how far I've come and I don't ever want to go backwards. I sometimes have to get really dramatic with my inner voice. My inner voice: �Sean, this temptation isn't worth throwing away everything you've worked for over the last (insert number of days here) days. You know how we are, if we go nuts this one time, and veer off the course, we may never find the path again, and you'll die young and fat. We'll be lost Sean, and over what? A banana split from Braums? Don't do it man, there's too many people that care about you. Care about yourself this time. We'll have a Dream Bar when we get to the house. That's it, let it go, let it go...You're doing great Sean.� Thank goodness these internal conversations are silent, or else they might have me committed. But I share that with you to illustrate my point. This journey involves a lot of mental aerobics. My natural inclination has always been to eat whatever and how ever much I wanted. So breaking that habit takes a ton of self-control, and that's where my inner voice comes in and talks me into the good choices. Of course my �good choices� may not be considered �good choices� by everyone. I'm all about the calories. I don't care about fat grams or carbs or anything but the calorie content. I have a high �flavor set point,� so I like things that taste really good to me. I can't stand salad alone. If I'm going to eat salad of any kind, it better be stuffed into a taco shell or between two hamburger buns. But that's just me. Sherri made a good comment on yesterdays blog about this very thing. She said she was more concerned about quantity. And I understand that completely. She'd rather have an incredibly filling salad over a higher calorie serving of something else, like my fried chicken and mashed potatoes of last night. Again, it all goes back to choices. There's really no �right or wrong� here. I can choose a whole lot of low calorie food or I can choose the high calorie stuff and just eat less. It's all good. Good choices are different for each person, it's based on personal taste.

I hear people all the time say �I've got to learn to eat better.� I just want to continue learning how to control my intake instead of letting it control me. I'm not going to turn into a gourmet low calorie cook anytime soon, I'll eat whatever we're having, but I'll educate myself on the proper portion and the calories involved every time. I was talking to a friend today about late night eating. He told me that he loves to eat peanut butter on a slice of bread with a glass of milk before turning in for the evening. Depending on how much peanut butter is used, this could easily be a 300 to 400 calorie snack. Add another slice of bread and some jelly, now we're talking about 600 calories. I told him it was always a big bowl of cereal for me. And when I say big bowl, I mean at least three times the suggested serving size. And I wouldn't stop there because after the first bowl, I had to have a re-fill! I bet sometimes I would consume nearly a thousand calories in cereal and milk right before bed. Another friend offered a suggestion to the late night peanut butter eater. One slice of bread and a thin layer of peanut butter. OK, now we're talking about 120 to 150 calories. That's not a bad snack total at all. For me, I've tried a �normal� portion of cereal, to the letter in fact, and it's not that much at all, but it still taste good. I just eat it slower. So if �learning to eat better� means forcing myself to eat things or prepare things I wouldn't normally, then forget it. You will not find any �fat free� items in my fridge, or Tofu, or veggie burgers. I guess I'm just a rebel like that.

I'm feeling so great these days. The 90 pounds I've shed so far has made such an incredible difference in the way I feel. I just keep putting one day in front of the other. 1,500 calories of whatever I want and exercise. That's it. Oh, and water, plenty of water. I drink a bunch of flavored water. I almost feel guilty because it taste so good, but it's still water, and it's still zero calories. Please tell me it still counts! I have consumed some regular water lately, and you know what? As long as it's pure and cold, I really can't say it's bad at all. And of course it makes me feel really good to drink it that way. You know what I do at restaurants? I order water with extra lemons, then I squeeze the lemon juice into the water and add a packet or two of artificial sweetener. It's free lemonade! So good!

Have a wonderful day and thank you for taking the time to read. This blog chronicles my daily thoughts and experiences as I transform from over 500 pounds to 230 pounds, or where ever I look and feel my best. It's helped keep me on track so many times. I look forward to sharing my thoughts here every single night. Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 116 The Athlete Inside and Unlikely "Diet" Foods

Day 116

The Athlete Inside and Unlikely �Diet� Foods

I'm really excited about this two week ten pound weigh in challenge. I honestly don't think it's going to be too difficult if I stay focused on the goal. I believe I can get it done. I've kind of been cruising right along with 7 pounds the previous weigh day and 8 pounds yesterday. So it shouldn't be that hard to step it up to 10 pounds for this period.

Tonight I had a special broadcast to do at one of the big casinos in the area. They brought in an Elvis Impersonator from Branson for a big free concert. As I people watched between on air breaks, I was focusing on different large body types. After doing this for a while, Irene showed up for work and we talked for a few minutes about large body types. Some guys have a really large belly and skinny legs, some have a large rear and legs, but not much of a belly. Some guys have a skinny face and a big body. You see all kinds everywhere. But I'm a little different. I'm equally big all over. I have a very even weight distribution, so I'm pretty sure that's one of the key reasons I've been able to carry around over 500 pounds for years. As I chatted with my wife, we concluded that I was never meant to be so heavy! I was just lucky to be 6'3�. I was half joking when I said I was hiding the body of an athlete under all this. I really have an athletic build underneath and it's so exciting to see it slowly emerge. It makes sense really, after all, this body has been lugging around over 500 pounds. With every movement I was in weight training!

I really love the freedom that counting calories allows. Tonight I had fried chicken and mashed potatoes with cream gravy. What �diet� would condone that? But this is not a �diet�, this is a lifestyle change. I'm learning about portion control. I had a fried chicken breast and a small serving of the mashed potatoes and gravy. How did I calculate the meal? Well, since the food at the casino doesn't come with calorie counts I had to compare to like items at other places with calorie counts. A fried chicken breast at KFC is 350, I've had many of those over the years, and the one I had tonight was comparable in size. A small mashed potatoes and gravy from KFC is 120. Since this gravy was a little thicker than KFC, and white instead of brown, I added 40 calories to make it 160. My meal total was 510, and after enjoying it real slow I was satisfied. And I still had plenty of calories remaining. I would have added a vegetable, but all they had was corn, and I had the calories for a serving, but I chose not to use it on corn. Instead I used it on a 130 calorie ice cream bar. I just imagine someone reading this blog for the first time. They probably think I'm crazy! I'm sure some would think �Fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy and an ice cream bar? And he expects to lose weight?� Yes I do, and I am, everyday. Again, it's all about the portion size. The old Sean would have scarfed down at least 3 big pieces of chicken and at least a double portion of potatoes and extra gravy. And the old Sean wouldn't have the single stick 130 calorie bar, it would have been Eskimo Pies or Klondike Bars, and I wouldn't have stopped at one. Do I feel deprived? Heavens no! I still have all the taste and food I love, just in smaller quantities. I'm learning how to appreciate my food and slow down long enough to realize I've had some. So can I lose weight eating �whatever I want?� Absolutely, I've logged 90 pounds of proof so far.

With our schedule today it was impossible to make a run for the YMCA. So even though it's late, we still have at least two miles to handle before turning in for the night. I really can't miss a workout if I expect to lose 10 pounds in the next two weeks. I'm summoning the inner drill sergeant in me to get my rear out there and do it tonight, because I have to tell you, I really feel like going to bed and it's cold out there! I could come up with a zillion valid excuses to not do it. But I need only one valid reason to convince me otherwise: 10 more pounds by 01/21/2009.

I had better get off here and out there before it gets super late. Have a fantastic Friday! Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 115 Weigh Day Number Seven and My Ten Pound Mission

Day 115

Weigh Day Number Seven and My Ten Pound Mission

OK, now it�s on! Today�s weigh day brought me closer to that milestone 100 pound mark. The scale read 415 today, down from 505, for a total loss of 90 pounds. I�m very happy with 8 pounds this time. We�re officially finished with the holidays and I made it through losing weight every step of the way. I�m proud of that accomplishment. I�ve written about my many attempts in the past that were completely destroyed by the holiday season. And when the holidays get the best of us, it�s always accepted because �Hey, relax! It�s the holidays!� But I knew if I wanted to stay on course and keep this big commitment, then I had to put my head down and focus on the really important things to me. And getting the weight off is numero uno. So the stage is set. I�ve got a short term two week goal: lose 10 pounds. Can I do it? Bet on it. I will do everything in my power to work harder, drink more water, and do the things I know work. I�m completely capable of hitting the 100 pound mark in two weeks. I have to get it done. If I were to weigh in two weeks and find another 8 pound loss, that would be great and frustrating at the same time. 9 pounds next time would be even worse! I�ll be happy with what I lose. I can�t really complain about my weight loss totals. 90 pounds in 115 days is great any way you look at it. But what am I capable of? I don�t think I�ve discovered that yet. We�ll just see what I can do in the next two weeks. I�m hitting that goal, in fact I just might shatter it. And I�ll still be eating every last bit of my 1,500 calories a day; I�ll just switch up my exercise routine. I�m excited! You know what�s going to happen. I�m going to lose 10 or 12 pounds, and then if I have a two-week period of anything less than that, I�ll feel like a slacker. I just read what I typed�I really need to get over myself! 90 pounds in 115 days�3 1/2 , 4, sometimes 5 pounds or more a week�These are phenomenal totals to be proud of. OK, I�m better now. Sometimes I have to stop long enough to realize that any frustration I might have is based on my impatient personality. I want it now, even though I know this is a one day at a time deal. Like I said, I�ll do the things I know work: Increase water consumption, stay with 1,500 calories, and workout harder. That should do it.

I did some math today and realized I�m about two weeks behind the pace of my 2004 weight loss. Not a big deal. I�m four years older and I�m only two weeks behind that pace? Fine. This isn�t a 100 meter dash, it�s a marathon. Several people have told me that. I just need to remind myself every now and then. When I hit the 103 pound mark back then, I�d been doing it four months and five days. This time, when I hit that goal in two weeks it�ll be four months, two weeks, and six days�Wait a second! I made a math mistake!!! In 2004 I started on March 15th and on July 20th I weighed in with a total loss of 103. That�s four months and five days. This time I started on September 15th and I�m on track to hit the 100 pound mark by January 21st. Four months and six days. OK, forget the first half of this paragraph! I�m only 1 day behind my pace of 2004. Wow, that�s not bad at all!

Thank you for all of the motivation and encouragement you give me. This blog was created to keep me on track everyday. But I really had no idea how much it would grow and become so important to my daily motivation. When I check the numbers and see how many times it�s been read everyday, it just blows me away. There are some days when the myspace version is read sixty or seventy times. And the �global� version (http://www.losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/) has been read all over the United States, plus six other countries on four continents. That�s just incredible to me. I hope that somewhere out there, a person facing the same battle is reading and gaining strength from my experiences. In the beginning I just thought of this blog as my personal lifeline of support and accountability, and it still is, but now I�m really seeing how it�s potentially helping others. That makes me feel incredible.

Just remember, I�m not perfect and I�m not a doctor. But even a doctor can�t argue with the simple approach I�ve taken. I eat less, but still enough and I exercise and try to drink enough water. I�ve also tried to understand myself. The psychological aspects of this journey are an even bigger part than the food and exercise. I sometimes over analyze myself, but it�s all in an effort to really understand what I�ve done to get up over 500 pounds and what I need to do and learn to never go back. I refuse any pills or supplements that promise �amazing results.� I don�t do �meal replacement� diets or anything unnatural. I�ll admit some of these things are good for you ingredient wise, no doubt. But I can�t see how they teach us to handle food and exercise in everyday life after the weight is gone. For years I looked for something that would magically make me thin. It�s funny that the solution doesn�t cost anything, doesn�t have an infomercial, and you won�t see it advertised during the Super Bowl. It�s eating less, exercising more, and getting in touch with the real you inside. Now that solution and philosophy probably won�t land me any weight loss endorsement deals someday, but that�s just fine. This is the real deal. And I�m on my way! Have a fantastic day and again, thank you for reading and your support. Good night and�

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 114 Those Trusty Scales Know Me So Well

Day 114

Those Trusty Scales Know Me So Well

Tomorrow is weigh day and I feel really good about it. I stopped guessing at a possible loss a couple of weigh days ago. I know where I want it to be, and it�s a realistic expectation based on my performance. We�ll see what the scale says tomorrow. I�m still going to drive the 90 mile round trip to Stillwater to weigh, even though I could weigh at the AMC Clinic without any problem. It weighed me exactly what the �big� scales did in Stillwater last time, but I�m weird. I like a routine. Weigh day means a trip to Stillwater and besides, I get to see my mom and everyone else while I�m there. It�s only fitting that the scales at the Payne County Health Department weigh me because I�ve started so many times by making the trip to those scales. If scales could talk! Oh wait, some do don�t they. But if scales could be sarcastic, I�m sure these Stillwater scales made a few pointed jabs during the last 30 times I�ve weighed there. But now only the last, how many have we had? I�d have to break my stride and go look it up�But only the last several count as far as I�m concerned. Those scales are like an old friend. Always ready to show me what I�m up against to the tenth of a pound. So we�ll see tomorrow, and if you haven�t received the weigh day �update� text, and you would like to be added to my weigh day text list, just send me a private message with your cell phone number. And I�ll make sure an update comes your way!

Yesterday I talked about a friend that was concerned about her husband�s weight and sleep apnea. I called him today and had a short but nice conversation. He told me that he reads this blog and that he really was getting serious about his health. He�s a great man with a wonderful personality and spirit, easily likable, and hard not to care about. I told him that I knew he could do it. I told him of my decreased need for my C-Pap machine since losing weight. He expressed that when he was thinner, he didn�t need it either, so perhaps he�s like me. When I get this weight completely off I�m positive I�ll be completely free of that fancy little contraption every night. That�s exciting, very exciting. If you�ve ever tried wearing a C-Pap mask, it really takes getting used to. When I first started using mine, I didn�t really use it all. It took three months before I ever made it through an entire night with it on. It�s continuous air pressure being blown up your nose. It keeps your air ways open and that allows you to fully rest, that is as long as you can get use to a jet of air up your nose all night. But really it�s not that bad after a while. The differences in my life are night and day, always have been because of the machine. The dangerous consequences of having untreated sleep apnea are pretty scary. I won�t go into detail, you can do a WebMD.com or Wikipedia search of �sleep apnea� and you can read all about it. I totally understand what so many said about yesterday�s blog. I have learned very well that you can�t wave a magic wand and make someone take control of his or her life. Until someone is truly ready, no motivational chat is going to do it. But if they�re ready mentally, the best you can do is set a good example and get out of the way, because they�re gonna do it! A broadcasting mentor once told me that giving advice didn�t work because people that are �ready� don�t need it and people that are not �ready� won�t heed it.

Tonight I was flying solo at the YMCA. Courtney had a tutoring appointment from 7 to 9, and we think Irene may have a hernia. She goes back to the doctor Thursday. After Amber and KL took off I made my way into the fitness center and climbed aboard the trusty treadmill. I listened to music on my iPod and watched �The Biggest Loser� while I pounded out a solid, sweaty, and burning two miles at 3.4 mph. I so could have made it a �treadmill 5K� (much more intense than a regular 5K in my opinion), but I didn�t have time before they closed. I�ve never gone out of my way to watch �The Biggest Loser�, but when I do, I can totally relate to everything they say. I couldn�t hear them tonight, but I could see their tears of joy as they weighed in to big time results. I know exactly what they�re feeling. When I stepped on the scale after that first two weeks and found myself 21 pounds lighter, I have to admit I had a trembling lip. It�s emotional because it�s a life long battle for most �losers� and for the first time, they can see victory over something that has threatened their life for years. I may have a trembling lip or two when I weigh and break the 100 pound mark, and for me�especially the 115 mark. When I break 115, I may drop a few tears of joy. That�s some serious triumph. But I have to say; I could never be on that show. You know why? Because they make the guys take off their shirts on national television every weigh day. That would be a deal breaker for me. I dated Irene for more than a year before she ever caught a glimpse of me shirtless. Remember me blogging about quitting a basketball team during practice because the coach told me to be on �skins�? Yeah, I�m really self-conscious about my man boobs. Some of my most hurtful childhood memories center around being made fun because of them, I remember when I was about 10 years old, a full grown man telling me I needed to wear a bra. I can remember every little detail about that encounter�The weather that day, what time it was, what he looked like, and how it made me so sad. So I guess that�s one of my �issues.� My roommate in Los Angeles was as big as me and he didn�t care what anyone thought of his looks period. He even completely disrobed one time and jumped in a pool naked on national television. He just didn�t care. I sometimes wish I had a fraction of that attitude, but I�m different, completely. It will be nice to get this weight off, get the full body tuck, and completely sculpt a body I�ve only dreamed of, then walk out in the middle of a big public pool area and take off the shirt without any hesitation. I dream of that day. Good night and�

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 113 Hopes and Dreams and Can You Feel What I'm Saying?

Day 113

Hopes and Dreams and Can You Feel What I�m Saying?

I know I�ve talked about the effects of music on my workout before, but I have to tell you, with the music pumping in my ear tonight I turned it up a notch at the YMCA. Irene had to go to work early, so Courtney and I hit the Y with our favorite tunes and a goal in mind: Cardio workout deluxe! Sometimes I feel like I could do anything in that workout. It�s that empowering. It really gets me fired up and feeling great. After fitting into my �little� jeans yesterday I put �em on today for work. It feels really incredible to wear these again. The fruits of my labor taste so sweet! Weigh Day this period is Wednesday. Tomorrow is Amber�s last day at home for this break and we�re going to try to spend as much time as possible with her tomorrow afternoon before she gets back to school. So since the last weigh day also fell on a Wednesday, it really doesn�t bother me much to do this one on a Wednesday too.

My swollen face is almost completely back to normal. That�s a relief. I had terrifying thoughts of it freezing like that. The �Who� references were getting old already. I was thinking about this journey today and I have to say, it�s been even better than I imagined. I really was dreading the first 115 pounds because that�s what I lost back in 2004 before gaining it all back. But this blog has made the weight loss so far an absolute pleasure. Other than mentioning 2004 about a gazillion times in the last 113 days in these writings, I really don�t look back at that failed attempt. It�s certainly not on my mind in a negative way at all. I will be extremely elated to push past the 115 point! Ok, I guess I better not get too far ahead of myself just yet, I need to hit 100 first.

As the days go by and the weight comes off I realize that my hopes and expectations aren�t all at the end of this journey. It�s happening everyday. It started a while back. When I first clicked my seatbelt, when I could drive Irene�s car without feeling like I was stuck, when I put on those jeans yesterday. These are the results I�ve been dreaming of, and they�re happening already.
As more weight comes off and I get in shape, more of these amazing happenings will take place. It�s like Christmas all the time. The biggest gift I�ve discovered so far was how well I slept without my C-Pap machine the other night. That�s huge. As I go through all of these wonderful experiences I have to ask myself: What was I waiting for all these years? The feelings I�m experiencing are far greater satisfaction than I�ve ever had from a giant bowl of ice cream. There�s not a fried mushroom in the world (not even Hideaway mushrooms) that can simulate what I feel. I really wish I could find a way to convey these feelings to others who are struggling with morbid obesity. But when I think of that I recall my own struggle. I use to lay in bed at night thinking about my weight, scaring myself about the dangers and dreaming about the benefits of losing. I wanted it then didn�t I? I think I did. I�m a grown man, but when it comes to contemplating my own mortality, I can be reduced to tears in a few seconds. I was scared for so long. I�m not scared anymore. That�s really big for me. I don�t waste time worrying about my weight killing me, I spend that time day dreaming about all of the changes coming my way. I just want to live, you know? I heard another obese comedian say this on stage once: �My doctor told me that if I don�t lose weight I�ll die, and that�s just not enough motivation for me.� I can totally relate to that. It�s a very twisted psychological dilemma. All of those years I spent worrying for my life and wondering what my family would do without me all the while eating whatever, whenever, and howmuchever I wanted. It was a vicious cycle. I�d lay in bed some nights and worry myself sick, then get up the next morning and eat biscuits and sausage gravy with a big 32 ounce Coke Classic. I was out of control completely. I guess that�s why I get so upset with myself when I have to battle hard cravings. I�ve seen the other side now; I�ve had a taste of this sweet success, and nothing in this world taste better. But the question: How do you convey these feelings to other people. How do you convince someone that if they just stick to it long enough to taste these wonderful feelings, it�ll change and actually prolong his or her life? This has been on my mind because a friend of mine, concerned about her husband, said, �I sure wish you would talk to him about this stuff.� My friend is a wife of an obese man with untreated sleep apnea. She�s worried sick about her husband, but doesn�t know what it�s going to take to get him to do something about it before it�s too late. I�m going to call him tomorrow and have a talk. If I can relate my positive experiences in a way that could move him, it might be a wonderful thing. I hope so.

Today was great. Great calorie control, great workout, great feelings. Day 113 is in the books. Good night and�

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 112 The Doctor Said; A Birthday For Amber; And Those Jeans Finally Fit...Again!

Day 112

The Doctor Said; A Birthday For Amber; and Those Jeans Finally Fit...Again!

After sleeping nine hours without my C-PAP mask (a machine used to treat Sleep Apnea) I awoke feeling completely rested and great. Irene said I was breathing normally and judging from the way I felt, I did just great without it! I'll still use it until a doctor says I don't have to, but wow---Now that's a real big change. At 505 pounds, I couldn't even think of trying to sleep without it on. I probably would have had a heart attack from the stress and lack of oxygen, but now at almost 100 pounds lighter, I can do it no problem! It feels phenomenal! I did it because my face is still swollen under my nose and above my lip. I really thought it would be better today, but it was worse! So I went to the doctor this afternoon. Since it was Sunday I had to see a doctor I wasn't familiar with, but he was good. By examining below my upper lip he determined that it was like a pimple under there. Gross, I know. Then he referred to the swelling as a �puss pocket�, even worse right? He prescribed a strong antibiotic and told me it should be totally gone within seven to ten days. Cool. I then asked his advice on my smoking habit. After asking a million questions about my weight loss and what exactly I was doing he told something I didn't expect. He said to keep losing weight and to not disrupt what I'm doing. He said to try to cut back, but he really believed that as I drop more weight and my level of exercise increases, the smoking will be eliminated naturally and easily. This is exactly what Dana said in her blog comment yesterday. The doctor even told me he smoked for 15 years before giving them up cold turkey just 7 years ago. So, it wasn't really permission to smoke, it was just �don't mess up what you're doing weight wise.� Getting the excess weight off is too important right this minute, and of course quitting smoking is seriously important too, but in the doctors words �one addiction at a time.� And I believe what he and Dana said to be exactly what will happen. I'll take off the next 100 pounds and all of a sudden I'll be so focused on weight training and getting in shape that the cigarettes will become an easy thing to throw in the trash.

I had planned on buying Amber's cake last night but they had that portion of the store blocked off and closed for floor maintenance or something. So I was shopping for Amber's birthday cake today, and when I had trouble finding her the kind she wanted, I came up with a brilliant plan! Cupcakes! These little cute things had a dollop of butter cream frosting on them, but once that too-sweet stuff was wiped off, it was a perfect little 100 calorie serving of white cake. They were small and tasty and just the right size for calorie conscious people like us. Our party was at Pizza Hut in Stillwater tonight. A place Amber picked because we had so many of her birthdays there in the past. They even have the same jukebox from when she was a little girl that would dance on the table to Achy Breaky Heart. And yes, she played it once for old times sake, but she didn't dance on the table. I made sure one of the four pizzas ordered was a thin crust and since I had 1,000 calories left going in, it was a breeze�even with a cupcake minus the frosting. It's so hard to believe she's 19 already. My little girl is 19! They grow up so fast don't they?

My doctors visit and prescription pick up went a little longer than I had hoped, preventing me from getting into the Y today during the narrow Sunday hours window they have. But I'm not down on myself at all because I feel great and the YMCA will be waiting on me tomorrow. Why do I feel so great? Well, today I decided to give those jeans I couldn't fit into a while back a try. Remember on Day 80, I described trying to get them on but I couldn't, not even laying down. Well I put them on today standing up without one tiny bit of trouble. That was 32 days ago. I really love this losing weight thing! It felt so good to wear those again. I mean really good! I'm wearing them tomorrow to work. These are the amazing results and positive consequences of everything I'm doing. So I couldn't be down on myself over anything, even if I tried! Irene said the �little� old jeans slim me. That's awesome. They're still size 50, but at 505 pounds I was wearing size 60 and 62's. So a drop of 10 to 12 pant sizes is a really big leap! Really soon, and I mean really soon, I'll be wearing 48's....You know how weird that will be for me? To have a waist size in the 40's? Wow...and in not too many months it'll be in the 30's! Have a great night-or day, and we'll talk again soon. Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 111 I Had A Twinkie and I'm Still Losing Weight!

Day 111

I Had A Twinkie and I'm Still Losing Weight!

I made a huge mistake today. I forgot about the cold front moving in, so instead of walking when it was 70 degrees this afternoon, I walked when it was 27 degrees with a wind chill of 16 tonight. Not smart. I intended to walk much more than a mile, but I really wimped out from the cold. Tomorrow is a YMCA workout for me for sure. It's always nice and warm in there! As I approach the 100 pound loss mark, I have to say that I notice a bigger difference in the way I feel over the way I felt in 2004 when I lost 115. I never tried to sleep without my c-pap machine back then. But I seem to be able to do it now without any big problems. I did put the mask on last night. Oh, I'm crazy sometimes, I was going to leave it off to give my face time to lose the swelling, but then I had a crazy thought. �What if my body is so use to the positive air pressure, that I forget to breathe without it?� That's crazy thinking, because long before I ever discovered the amazing life saving benefits of a sleep study and c-pap machine, I was going long periods every night without breathing properly. I would wake up often with horrible headaches from the lack of oxygen. So if I had trouble, I'm sure I would jolt awake...but I'm a worrier, and one random irrational thought made me put it on my swollen face. I tried to wear it loose to avoid further aggravation, and it seemed to be OK. It's still swollen tonight, but not near as bad. It's getting much better. I can drink from a straw at the center of my lips again! I couldn't do that yesterday and when I tried I cracked up the entire family. I still don't know what caused the swelling in the first place. My guess about the mask being too tight was probably right or someone punched me in the face while I slept.

After discussing a possible doctors visit today for the mystery swelling and perhaps a �stop smoking� aid, Irene convinced me that the swelling was getting better, it has happened once before (although not this bad) and that she still believed that I could quit cigarettes without a prescription. She's really good and getting to the bottom of me. She knows me so well, she just laid it out in plain English. She said: �You're trying to be too perfect for the sake of your blog.� �When you're ready you'll quit, but you're not ready.� Too perfect for the sake of this blog? There may be some truth in that, but I'm just trying to set an example and prove to myself that I can accomplish some big things that desperately need accomplished in my life. She also said I picked the wrong day to start. Probably. I can't compare losing weight and quiting smoking. They are two different addictions. My tactics and simple methods for losing weight and learning how to eat less do not translate easily to smoking. But I'm going to get there, I will. I almost said �someday�, and you know how I can't stand that word. If you read this blog everyday, then you'll know when I get it together, because I'll have to mention it. I decided to wait on the doctors visit and see if this facial injury gets better naturally. I'm sure it will.

Irene bought a bag of Lays brand potato chips after she left work last night, er this morning, the sour cream and onion kind, my favorite! And almost 24 hours later the bag is still unopened! That's got to be an Anderson family record! I've opened bags of chips on the way home from the store before! Heck, I've opened them while still in the store! And it's ok to have these things around because we all can read, and the number of chips per serving and the calorie count for that serving is clearly labeled on the bag. If I choose to have some, I count them out, period. She also bought Twinkies. I have no idea what possessed her, but I think she was hungry when she went in the store. And no, the Twinkies did not survive the day, I even had one. That's right, I'm losing weight while eating Twinkies, well not �Twinkies�, but A Twinkie. I had one for 150 calories. It was my choice to make and I made it. It was alright, but I've never been weak over Twinkies. I can take or leave the Twinkies. I will say this, if you're going to eat cake of any kind, angel food/sponge cake will always be the lowest calorie.

Tomorrow marks our oldest daughters birthday. Amber turns 19, and we're planning a trip to Stillwater for dinner and cake with the family down there. I'll never forget that wonderful day 19 years ago. We were so filled with happiness and nervousness all at the same time. We were still kids ourselves, and there we were starting a family at 18. But I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't go back and change a thing. We've truly been very lucky and extremely blessed.

I'm headed to Wal-Mart for some birthday shopping and a little more exercise. Hey, it's a big store! It's a real workout sometimes. And I've got to go back to housewares and then all the way back to grocery. That should count as a mini workout at least! Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 110 A Success And A Failure At The Same Time

Day 110

A Success And A Failure At The Same Time

Where do I begin? I've been dreading tonights blog all day. I was so confident that I could lay the smokes down and walk away. My plan was to use the same iron will that I use counting calories, the same strategies in weight loss that have brought me so far in such a short time. But I struck out early. I'm extremely disappointed in myself. All my talk about it �just being a decision� is true, but obviously I was full of an over inflated sense of control. I feel pathetic. I just don't understand how I can turn around a lifetime of bad food and exercise choices, but I can't make it a day without those nasty things. My apologies to my family and friends that believed I could do it today. Don't give up on me yet! I may need to break down and admit that my smoking habit needs professional help. I hate doing that. I know so many people that just quit, without any aids whatsoever. People who had smoked a lot longer than me, they summoned the strength to just lay them down and walk away. I'm a strong person. And where my weight is concerned, I'm all over it. But these cancer sticks are getting the best of me. Maybe I was a little bold in my plan to drop them right now. Irene suggested I take another crack at it Monday. I hate saying �I'll start on Monday�, wow...How many times have I said that before. I'll tell you this: When (not if) I defeat cigarettes, it will no doubt be the biggest personal health triumph of my life. Quitting smoking makes this losing weight thing look like childs play. I may go to the doctor tomorrow and ask for some advice and maybe a prescription of some kind. I was planning on a Saturday visit to the AMC Clinic anyway over another issue. Maybe I'll just combine the visit, that way I only have to be out one co-pay!

The other issue is very strange. Yesterday I woke up with a swollen upper lip and face. I think I may have accidentally had my Sleep Apnea C-Pap mask too tight against the muscles below the nose. All day yesterday my family joked about how I resembled a �Who�, you know from the Grinch story. Well, this morning the swelling was even worse. I really looked like a �who�, and when they'd joke, I'd laugh, and that made it hurt even worse. I look like a �who� really bad. But as of this writing, it's gone down some, so we'll see. If not a �who�, I at least look like a pummeled boxer or someone who just had dental surgery. It's annoying, but mostly funny.

Despite my complete meltdown on the smoking challenge, I've done fantastic today on my calories and exercise! I trucked through two miles tonight on the trail, it wasn't the 5K effort of last night, but still a really nice brisk workout. I'll definitely be way down into the �4teens� come weigh day. It would be extra nice to lose enough to skip the teens all together, but that would mean a 14 pound loss, and that might be too much to expect. The great thing is how I feel and the fact that I'm quickly approaching the 100 pounds lost mark. I think I may be one of those people who, after losing weight, no longer need the aid of a C-Pap machine at night. You certainly don't have to be fat to have sleep apnea, there are other causes besides obesity. But, I think mine are 100% related to being overweight. I've tested myself the last couple of days. With the swollen face, I decided to sleep without the mask. First of all, this would have been impossible at 505 pounds. Secondly, I can breath so much easier now that I really feel like I could go without it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing it out just yet, but my little test was successful. I didn't wake up with an oxygen deprivation headache and when I had Courtney check on me while I slept without the machine, she reported absolutely zero snoring. She said I was breathing normally! I've become so dependent on the constant air flow the machine provides, it really feels weird without it, but it feels great to know that eventually I may not need the thing. Ultimately I'll let a doctor decide that, but this little test run without it was a really good sign.

The kids opted to spend their time in Tulsa at the mall, while Irene and I visited the little Mexican Feasting Village known as Casa Bonita. We had to meet a business associate of mine for a lunch meeting. I ordered the two taco plate with beans and rice. Irene and John ordered the �Deluxe Dinner�. With Irene's schedule, she normally only eats once a day, so I could understand why she ordered the Deluxe Dinner. But neither one of them over did it. Irene didn't finish her first plate, and then raised the flag for another enchilada, then left half of it on the plate. And the fresh fried sopapias? They were left untouched on the table. Not even a bite my friend! Yesterdays blog was in part titled �Revisiting The Gorging Grounds of T-Town� in reference to the many visits I've made in the past to Casa Bonita. I've never left feeling as good as I did today. I had two tacos, about 150 calories worth of beans, a few bites of the rice, and about 14 small chips with less than an ounce of cheese dip. All together I used 700 calories at that place. And it would have been just under five hundred had I left the chips and cheese alone! But, I had the calories coming, so it was all good. Since my average visit to that place probably checked in at over 3000 calories in the past, I was thrilled to handle it so well today. I wish I handled everything so well!

What did today teach me? Well, once again I've proven that I'm not perfect, but I already knew that. I honestly felt that I could do the no smoking thing today. I really did, but I'm quickly realizing the magnitude of my addiction. I need some serious help! It drives me absolutely nuts to be going in the right direction with losing weight, but at the same time putting that nasty crap in my lungs. It doesn't make sense. But again, I have to remember these are two very different addictions. Nicotine is a very powerful drug. And perhaps it's time I give it the respect it deserves and visit with a doctor about kicking it. All day long I've dreaded writing this blog tonight. There you have it. This is what this blog is all about. If I so proudly write about my successes, I have to write about my failures too. I will overcome it, I will never, never, never, never quit trying to quit nicotine. I guess I need some medical help with this one. Admitting that is a big step for me. I've learned all about the power of �good choices� the last 110 days. The power of a decision, an �iron clad� promise to myself. I really thought I could just apply all that to smoking, I know many people have, I just don't understand why it's so hard for me. Thank you for reading my blog and in doing so, giving me your support. Until tomorrow, good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Day 109 Revisiting The Gorging Grounds of T-Town and Smoking-It Ends Tonight

Day 109

Revisiting The Gorging Grounds Of T-Town and Smoking-It Ends Tonight

Just to clear up something you might have read in those articles I posted yesterday. The part about �divorce pending� was because Irene and I were separated. We of course got back together, never divorced, and are doing just fine! With that said, I can't tell you how much Irene has supported me 100% for so many years. She's been through everyone of my �somedays.� Her patience with me has been above and beyond what most spouses would endure. This mission is crucial to making my life better for me, my daughters, and my beautiful wife. At over 500 pounds, I was flirting with death all the time. Regardless of my �good numbers�, the body can only take so much. And when you're standing by someone's side and watching them slowly kill themselves you reach a point where you're tired of hearing �someday.� You reach a point when you just have to let them go and they'll either get it together or slowly deteriorate into a much worse existence. I'm afraid that after 20 years worth of �somedays�, Irene was extremely close to making that critical decision to no longer be a party to my slow and steady self-destruction. I really couldn't blame her. That was one of many important motivators for me to embark on this journey. If you're trying to start a similar journey, think real hard about what is really important to you, then fight for it with everything you have. I've had to do some serious soul searching during the last 109 days. When I feel weak I have to focus on what really is at the heart of this mission. And that's being here for my family for as long as God allows. I want to show my family what you can do when you put your mind to it. I never want to say �someday� again. These are things that I really wasn't focused on when those two articles were written. As a comedian, I was more focused on getting the exposure in the Tulsa World, than the heart of the issues that I was proclaiming to tackle. I wasn't thinking about the benefits in terms of my health, I was thinking in terms of how many more people might come to see the show when I performed. I feel like I've grown so much in the last seven years. When I read those articles, I feel like I'm reading quotes from a kid with much to learn. But posting those links was a way to illustrate how New Years resolutions without some serious internal discussion are doomed from day 1. I honestly don't think I lost any weight that year and I didn't quit smoking. I felt like a complete fraud back then. I'm a very different person today, and that maturity has finally enabled me to grab control with a much greater understanding of me. Tonight I will pray for strength from above to overcome something even more powerful than food, and that's cigarettes. Am I nuts for trying to do both at the same time? Maybe a little adventurous, but I feel like I need to now, and I'll just have to deal with it. I can do it, and I'll be so immensely proud of myself for defeating that habit, it'll be such a wonderful thing!

This evening Courtney and I visited the walking trail for a workout. Lately it seems the only way I feel like I'm really getting a good walk is to do a 5K, and that's exactly what I did. 3.1 miles worth, all while listening to my favorite songs! The walk was so much easier with my tunes. It does make a difference! I do miss our walking trail conversations, but these were never a good idea anyway, because in order to stay in the conversation, Courtney, Irene, and Amber would have to walk at my pace, not theirs. So when we're at the walking trail or the YMCA, it's not about visiting and enjoying each others company, it's about working hard. And tonight's New Year Day 5K was a real workout. It was great. And I had zero problems with blisters. The one I had is all healed and I took the necessary precautions to prevent another. After lacking the past week in the workout category, I really needed every kilometer of that walk!

Tomorrow we're traveling to Tulsa and we plan on having lunch at Casa Bonita. If you're not familiar with this legendary place, let me introduce you. It's a restaurant that's been turned into a little mexican village. Their specialty is the �Deluxe Dinner.� It's a platter full of your mexican favorites, and when you want more of anything, you just raise the flag and they bring it out! Then, when you're done with your meal, they bring you freshly fried sopapias with butter and honey. How am I going to handle such a place? Well, lucky for me they have an ala cart menu. There's no reason for me to order the �all you care to enjoy� meal. I'll enjoy a reasonable portion in a slow and relaxing fashion. And I'm pretty sure I'll skip the sopapias. I could probably have one, but I really don't want to spend the calories. It's just a choice. A good choice in deed. Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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