Day 113 Hopes and Dreams and Can You Feel What I'm Saying?

Day 113

Hopes and Dreams and Can You Feel What I�m Saying?

I know I�ve talked about the effects of music on my workout before, but I have to tell you, with the music pumping in my ear tonight I turned it up a notch at the YMCA. Irene had to go to work early, so Courtney and I hit the Y with our favorite tunes and a goal in mind: Cardio workout deluxe! Sometimes I feel like I could do anything in that workout. It�s that empowering. It really gets me fired up and feeling great. After fitting into my �little� jeans yesterday I put �em on today for work. It feels really incredible to wear these again. The fruits of my labor taste so sweet! Weigh Day this period is Wednesday. Tomorrow is Amber�s last day at home for this break and we�re going to try to spend as much time as possible with her tomorrow afternoon before she gets back to school. So since the last weigh day also fell on a Wednesday, it really doesn�t bother me much to do this one on a Wednesday too.

My swollen face is almost completely back to normal. That�s a relief. I had terrifying thoughts of it freezing like that. The �Who� references were getting old already. I was thinking about this journey today and I have to say, it�s been even better than I imagined. I really was dreading the first 115 pounds because that�s what I lost back in 2004 before gaining it all back. But this blog has made the weight loss so far an absolute pleasure. Other than mentioning 2004 about a gazillion times in the last 113 days in these writings, I really don�t look back at that failed attempt. It�s certainly not on my mind in a negative way at all. I will be extremely elated to push past the 115 point! Ok, I guess I better not get too far ahead of myself just yet, I need to hit 100 first.

As the days go by and the weight comes off I realize that my hopes and expectations aren�t all at the end of this journey. It�s happening everyday. It started a while back. When I first clicked my seatbelt, when I could drive Irene�s car without feeling like I was stuck, when I put on those jeans yesterday. These are the results I�ve been dreaming of, and they�re happening already.
As more weight comes off and I get in shape, more of these amazing happenings will take place. It�s like Christmas all the time. The biggest gift I�ve discovered so far was how well I slept without my C-Pap machine the other night. That�s huge. As I go through all of these wonderful experiences I have to ask myself: What was I waiting for all these years? The feelings I�m experiencing are far greater satisfaction than I�ve ever had from a giant bowl of ice cream. There�s not a fried mushroom in the world (not even Hideaway mushrooms) that can simulate what I feel. I really wish I could find a way to convey these feelings to others who are struggling with morbid obesity. But when I think of that I recall my own struggle. I use to lay in bed at night thinking about my weight, scaring myself about the dangers and dreaming about the benefits of losing. I wanted it then didn�t I? I think I did. I�m a grown man, but when it comes to contemplating my own mortality, I can be reduced to tears in a few seconds. I was scared for so long. I�m not scared anymore. That�s really big for me. I don�t waste time worrying about my weight killing me, I spend that time day dreaming about all of the changes coming my way. I just want to live, you know? I heard another obese comedian say this on stage once: �My doctor told me that if I don�t lose weight I�ll die, and that�s just not enough motivation for me.� I can totally relate to that. It�s a very twisted psychological dilemma. All of those years I spent worrying for my life and wondering what my family would do without me all the while eating whatever, whenever, and howmuchever I wanted. It was a vicious cycle. I�d lay in bed some nights and worry myself sick, then get up the next morning and eat biscuits and sausage gravy with a big 32 ounce Coke Classic. I was out of control completely. I guess that�s why I get so upset with myself when I have to battle hard cravings. I�ve seen the other side now; I�ve had a taste of this sweet success, and nothing in this world taste better. But the question: How do you convey these feelings to other people. How do you convince someone that if they just stick to it long enough to taste these wonderful feelings, it�ll change and actually prolong his or her life? This has been on my mind because a friend of mine, concerned about her husband, said, �I sure wish you would talk to him about this stuff.� My friend is a wife of an obese man with untreated sleep apnea. She�s worried sick about her husband, but doesn�t know what it�s going to take to get him to do something about it before it�s too late. I�m going to call him tomorrow and have a talk. If I can relate my positive experiences in a way that could move him, it might be a wonderful thing. I hope so.

Today was great. Great calorie control, great workout, great feelings. Day 113 is in the books. Good night and�

Good Choices,
Sean