The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser

Today, I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained abstinent from refined sugar, I exceeded my daily minimum 64oz water goal,

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Wednesday, 31 December 2014

December 31st, 2014 Happy New Year

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December 31st, 2014 Happy New Year

I'm so glad this day is over. I'm postponing my planned epic New Years post until tomorrow night. The time stamp says 11:59pm on this post--but it's actually 2:11am. I back time in order to get the proper date for the entry.

Happy New Year! Wow. What a year. It's been absolutely beautiful. It didn't start that way. Yeah--it wasn't a good first quarter. The last three quarters were very nice. But even in the first quarter, I can find positives. It was certainly baby steps early on.

Today wasn't a good day to be sick. I did a location broadcast from 4 to 7pm and the party I was booked to DJ was 9pm-12:30am. I didn't finish the load out into the storage building until after 1am. Did I mention I'm so happy this day is over? Oh yeah--I did.

I'm feeling somewhat better. Thank you for the wonderful well wishes! Also--big thank you for the reminders that it's okay to not eat when I'm sick. I've counted a lot of calories for food I didn't finish in the last few days. I didn't even finish my soup today. I didn't push it. My calories checked in at under 1200 for the day--and probably around 1000...and that will be just fine.

I can tell I'm feeling better because I was hungry at the New Years Eve party. I ate some cheese and crackers. We'll call that good for tonight. I'm off tomorrow, so I'll sleep in and hopefully wake fully rested and feeling much better.

My Tweets Today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, 30 December 2014

December 30th, 2014 Is That How You Spell Whiny?

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December 30th, 2014 Is That How You Spell Whiny?

This sickness continues. I didn't eat until after 6pm this evening. I did go to work this morning, finished my show and produced a few things before coming home sick. I slept from 10:30am until 3pm and it felt like 15 minutes. I mean, I woke up at 3pm and was astonished at the time. It was strange.

I'm sleeping well, apparently. I didn't want to leave the house but I had to get some things at the store. I needed fruit and some gluten free wraps because I wanted a low cal pizza. Yeah--I don't really feel like eating, but if I gotta--it's going to be pizza. A low cal version--but still.

My later dinner wasn't really desired, at all. I was eating for calories. I didn't finish the plate. It wasn't appealing to me one tiny bit.  I checked my calories close to 9pm and realized it was just over 600 and that's with 90 calories worth of coffee creamer. So I tried. I finished off half the plate. So far, so good. (You likely know exactly what I mean--so far, so good-- everything is staying where it needs to stay.)

MyFitnessPal gave me the stern low calorie warning-thing again. I've attached the Tweet below. Red letters!!! That means they're super serious about this deal.

It took me all day to sip the 7 cups of water I committed to drinking. The thing is, when I started to drink it faster, I felt like it might come back up--as if I was eating something I can't stand.

I'm a big mess tonight. I don't feel good at all. I'm nauseous. I'm being a big baby.

I don't get sick, really. Okay, sometimes I do--but not often enough to be labeled "sickly." I'm sick less than most people I know. When I feel like this, I get whiny. Is that how you spell whiny? I really wanted to put an e in there...

I limped through the weekly weight loss support group conference call tonight. Thank goodness Gerri took the lead. We talked about our goals for 2015. I'm glad I was on the call tonight despite this crud. It felt good to verbalize my goals and share them with the group. It gives them a life outside of my head.

I'm not doing my show in the morning. BUT--I do have a bunch of work to do! I need to feel better quickly!!! I have a location broadcast from 4 to 7pm and I'm scheduled to dj a New Years Eve party from 9pm to 12:30am. How do you speed up feeling better?

Sorry for the ranting--sickly man-baby talking pathetic tone. It could be worse. A twitter friend of mine, Marilyn tweeted that her family was just now getting over this stuff and they couldn't eat or leave the house. I've been able to do both of those things today. I suppose I should be grateful. It could be much worse. 

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, 29 December 2014

December 29th, 2014 It's Pointless To Argue With An App

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December 29th, 2014 It's Pointless To Argue With An App

I came home from work early today with plans to go back, until I started feeling sick and feverish. I felt better by early evening and decided to do my best at getting a workout. As I write this, I'm not sure if I'm running a fever or not, but I certainly don't feel well.

I couldn't finish my dinner. The chicken and sour cream--the salsa---uhg...I didn't adjust the calories in MyFitnessPal..and even still, since I completed today's entry under 1500 calories the app gave me a stern warning about eating too little. I don't remember getting this warning before, so perhaps I have been eating enough. I wanted to fire back, excuse me? Look at the last 250 days worth of entries, bucko--I eat well! One day--one day under 1500 and you jump my case? Come on!

But it's pointless to argue with an app.

I did drink a little more water and had an apple just a little while ago. Now, I'm feeling worse. So I'm headed to bed. I've got to be up and on the air in the morning. Unless I'm running a horrendous fever, of course.

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, 28 December 2014

December 28th, 2014 I'm Better For It

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December 28th, 2014 I'm Better For It

The outpouring of support today was an incredible blessing. Thank you, I needed it. From comments to emails, text messages and phone calls, I received incredible perspectives. It was truly a gift.

I spent a great deal of my Sunday absorbing it all, embracing not only what feels natural, but allowing myself to wrap my mind around ideas and concepts foreign to me. Through it all, I realize I do have work to do--some challenging internal work, but it isn't as bad as I thought. I've often communicated about the critical differences shifts in perspective can make along this road. I experienced some really good shifts today. I'm better for it. 

I really just scratched the surface of that topic, but it's such a big topic--it was enough, for me, right now. I'm glad I did. It was slightly uncomfortable, exposing and I felt vulnerable, but those feelings quickly transformed into empowering and confident. I'm going to be fine.

I'm glad I touched on it. Because, getting it out of my head and onto the virtual page was like releasing a pressure valve of thoughts. Instead of spending large amounts of time pouring over the same thoughts again and again, trying to figure it all out--and doing it all in the privacy of my own head, I can now benefit from the perspectives received and move forward in positive ways. I have a lot of positive ahead of me.

The plans to travel to my hometown for one last Christmas get-together was postponed today. Amber and KL were both sick and unable to attend. We all decided to reschedule the festivities for later this week. It was disappointing, but ultimately for the best.

I'm really proud of myself for preparing all of my meals Saturday and Sunday. I didn't dine out once! Not that dining out has been a bad thing, I do stay within certain boundaries when I go out, but still--I'm always more confident when I prepare my own meals at home. Mainly because at home and work, I have digital scales to weigh things--so the accuracy is in place. When I dine out, I rely on my experience in weights and measures to make the best guesstimates possible. This practice has worked very well for the past nine months.

I struggled with my water today. I just wasn't interested. I don't know how else to put it. Some days, I'm enthusiastic--others, I'm literally forcing myself to get down the minimum I need. I always seem to find a way to make myself feel bad about this, too. Especially when I think about the parts of the world where access to water is literally the difference between life and death. How blessed are we? Beyond measure.

One thing is for sure, I'm well rested. Setting my wake up alarm tonight is the first time in several days. I slept well all week. I'm ready to move forward in some wonderful ways. I'm keeping a positive attitude and embracing some new perspectives. It's a very good thing. And I sincerely thank you for the amazing support along the way.

My Tweets Today:
















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, 27 December 2014

December 27th, 2014 I'm Not Ready For This Tough Topic

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December 27th, 2014 I'm Not Ready For This Tough Topic

I tried to start writing this post earlier today. I couldn't do it. I need more time to be okay enough to explore the relationship dynamics after a dramatic transformation. The demise of my last relationship is too fresh.

I do believe it's different for everyone and most of the differences have to do with personal self-image and confidence issues and sometimes these lead to an unquenchable thirst for confirmation, validation, intimacy and an over-need to feel desired...as if a constant reminder is needed to fight off all of the lifelong inner dialogues to the contrary.

When you spend the majority of your life convinced you're the most unattractive/undesirable person in any particular room, this superficial way of self-condemnation doesn't simply vanish when the pounds drop and the reflection in the mirror changes. It's tragically easy to forget all of the reasons someone might be attracted to you, things that have little to do with the superficial stuff--and everything to do with the critically important stuff.  It just takes time, I suppose, and a lot of inner work.

I still have work to do. 

I've made incredible strides with self-worth/identity and I see and feel the differences my May 15th epiphanies gifted me, all the time. I truly recognize all of the wonderful things that make me who I am--and I celebrate and nurture those things. I have an extraordinary level of love and compassion for others. It's a deeply ingrained, automatic thing for me, to care about people. (If you are new to this blog and you haven't read the May 15th and May 19th entries, please go back in the archives along the left hand sidebar and select those dates).

But still, to feel worthy of love, to believe you're okay in a relationship--to simply allow a good thing to be a good thing, is very tough. 

And if you're struggling with these issues and choosing to not discuss them, instead repressing them--then they will eventually manifest into relationship ruining issues. I've experienced it more than once.

That's more than I wanted to write about this tonight because I'm just not ready to explore the topic in depth. It is a very important topic. And I'll revisit it another time, soon. I just can't tonight.

I made a point to prepare all three of my meals today. I did some decent cooking! I found myself moping around my apartment a little too long, so I pushed myself out the door and to the YMCA for a much needed workout. I always feel so much better after a great workout.

I'm looking forward to traveling back to my hometown tomorrow with my youngest daughter and grandson. We're meeting up with my oldest daughter and her boyfriend as we all get together for one more Christmas celebration. We'll exchange gifts and visit for awhile. And we'll take plenty of pictures of the cutest little guy in the world!

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, 26 December 2014

December 26th, 2014 Thank Goodness I Was Wrong

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December 26th, 2014 Thank Goodness I Was Wrong

I was invited to lunch not long after I got up. I'm really taking advantage of this whole sleeping in during time off. Instead of breakfast, I just waited a little while for lunch. It didn't make sense to eat breakfast then try to eat lunch an hour later.

I had some orders I needed to ship today. If you've ordered something from my web store it will arrive no later than Tuesday! I always feel relief with no outstanding orders! I sincerely appreciate your support! By the way, I'm out of "I'm Choosing Change" leather bracelets. I shipped the last one today!

I felt really well today. I'm excited for 2015 for a variety of reasons. Mostly, I'm so incredibly grateful for where I am along this road. This turnaround has been a blessing beyond measure. At one point, I was convinced it wasn't possible. Thank goodness I was wrong.

I took a rest day today. I got caught up on a few things and now I'm ready to watch a movie on the new Kindle Fire I received for Christmas! It's my first tablet device. I'm amazed at what it can do!

My Tweets Today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, 25 December 2014

December 25th, 2014 Christmas Day Edition

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December 25th, 2014 Christmas Day Edition

Once you know the truth, you can't un-know it. It's from where the expression "recovery is a buzz kill" comes. I've had many Christmas times in my past where it was a feeding frenzy from the moment I got out of bed until I dropped, stuffed and sick, and pleading "someone, please pass the Zantac." 

It is entirely possible to know the truth and choose to ignore it. I've done that before, too. 

The truth is, excessive food on Christmas or any other day, doesn't make anything better. It doesn't enhance the experience. It's an artificial alternative for the experiences and things that bring us fulfillment and joy. Maybe we don't know what the authentic things are, so in our search we find our substance instead. Then we beat our head against the wall doing it over and over again and expecting it to be the real deal, when it never will be what we're truly searching.

It's in this understanding where those of us in active recovery realize the truth and set our boundaries accordingly. I still get to eat, but with ironclad rules, specifically designed for me.

I started my Christmas morning with coffee and a plan to have a wonderful Christmas. I accomplished this goal. I did eat things I normally don't. I had stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy. And while everyone else cut into the pies, I grabbed my sugar free personal size lemon pie, took one look at the calorie count and decided 1/2 was all I could invest.

I started getting a stomach ache not long after this, so I'm pretty sure my body was having a fit with what amounted to foreign substances in my system. The more I think about it, the more I believe it was the sugar free pie creating the discomfort. I have no idea what kind of chemical combination the creators of this sugar free pie used to make it taste good, but there wasn't anything natural about it, I promise you.

I took a short nap before embarking on the Christmas Day 5K around Boomer Lake. After the great workout and with my stomach feeling better, I decided to skip leftovers for dinner and instead, I enjoyed a cup of coffee while visiting with family. I arrived home late and still under 1300 calories for the day when I decided to throw together a late dinner of bean and cheese tostadas.

The gum chewing strategy while cooking worked flawlessly today.

When I reflect on this Christmas experience and what was great about it, the food isn't even a thought. (It really wasn't that good, actually--and I can say that because I was the cook!)

What was great? The time, conversation and love shared among family. And this tells me my focus was in the right place today. We'll all get together again on Sunday, this time with my daughters and grandson Noah. I can't wait!

I made a point to reach out for support and I made myself available as a support buddy for others. I enjoyed some nice text interactions with some of the members of the support group Gerri Helms and I conduct and a couple of interactions with non-group members, too.

I made it through because I made the elements of my recovery and success very important. I'm hitting the pillow (a brand new fancy pillow--thank you mom!) tonight with a confident feeling, knowing I did well.  And to me, this feels better than any past Christmas Day feeding frenzy.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, 24 December 2014

December 24th, 2014 Christmas Eve Edition

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December 24th, 2014 Christmas Eve Edition

I wrote and performed a bit about getting a cat in my recent stand-up performance. The premise was how a cat would be a good alternative for me instead of a girlfriend. I'll not transcribe the bit here, but it worked very well. The bit was based on my true desire to get a cat. It didn't start out as a standup bit, it started with me honestly contemplating ideas of how to deal with post-breakup emotions and loneliness. I went so far as to call the animal shelter to inquire about their cat adoption policies. I haven't made the decision yet, but it's under serious consideration.

This isn't the night to do it, but one day soon I plan on writing about my take on post-dramatic weight loss relationship dynamics. I've never written about this stuff. It's an important topic, because even after major epiphanies concerning self-worth and identity, I still struggle with proper self-perspectives--and this struggle can quickly complicate things.

I enjoyed a day off today, although I stayed busy with last minute Christmas shopping. By the third crazy store, I was ready to be done. I was incredibly stressed at my last stop because I couldn't find what I needed. I finally decided what I needed was a good workout at the YMCA.

The workout relieved the tension of battling the crowds and not finding what I needed. I usually workout to feel good about what I'm doing in terms of weight loss and health. Today, it was a stress reliever, too! I suppose it's always a stress reliever, but my perspective isn't tilted that way most of the time. I'm most usually exercising to get the heart rate up and the calories burning. I brought this on myself by waiting until the last minute to get my shopping finished.

I enjoyed a grilled chicken salad for lunch. It was leftover chicken and zucchini on top of lettuce, mixed with sour cream. Fantastic!

I made the trip to my hometown this evening to spend Christmas Eve with mom and family. We're having another get-together here on Sunday with my daughters and grandson.

It's a family tradition to enjoy snacks on Christmas Eve while we all visit and exchange gifts. I enjoyed a slice of sugar free lemon cake with my coffee. It was fairly decent. I was skeptical. Honestly, I can take it or leave it. I don't feel compelled toward the rest of the lemon cake. In fact, the slice I consumed will likely be the only one for me.

I did buy a small, personal size sugar free lemon pie for tomorrow's Christmas dinner dessert. While everyone is eating their traditional pie, I'll have my sugar free pie.

I'm in charge of cooking Christmas dinner for everyone. It'll be a traditional offering, with roasted turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy--and something different: Yellow squash and asparagus! I have my food scale ready! I also have some sugar free gum ready to go. Chewing gum while I cook keeps me from tasting along the way. I'll let somebody else be the taster.

I did not order sugar free rolls like I did at Thanksgiving or a sugar free peach pie. I've decided to skip the rolls this time. We'll have rolls on the table. I've just decided to skip them.

I've decided to add 500 additional calories to my Calorie Bank tomorrow. I seriously doubt I'll use all of them. But, they're available just in case.

I'll be staying in close contact with friends in support tomorrow.  I'm also planning on the Anderson Family Christmas Day 5K at Boomer Lake, mid to late afternoon. My uncle has already committed to join me out there for some really good exercise.

I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas! I'm so grateful for an incredible amount of blessings in my life. I'm making gratitude and visiting with loved ones my focus. I'm looking forward to Live-Tweeting Christmas Day food and exercise. I'll tell you this--I brought eggs for my usual breakfast in the morning! A good breakfast will also help me stay sane during all of the cooking.

Oh--and no Mac and Cheese tomorrow! I've decided that will remain a once a year dish!

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, 23 December 2014

December 23rd, 2014 Stronger Than I Thought

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December 23rd, 2014 Stronger Than I Thought

I don't think it's sunk in yet that I'm off for the next five days. It's been a very busy several days leading up to this break. I'm looking forward to a wonderful Christmas with mom in my hometown.

I'm also looking forward to writing more in this blog, since I'll have ample time for sleep! I've been burning the candles at both ends the last couple of nights.

I had a great food day today and some decent exercise, although I didn't time my workout very well. In order to make it to the restaurant in time (before they closed), I cut my workout at 21 minutes. I did some body weight strength training exercises tonight. I couldn't find how to input these in MyFitnessPal. I did wall sits, modified pushups, counter pushups and planks. I'm starting to think I'm stronger than I thought. I was able to do these fairly well and with good form.

I'll be the one cooking Christmas dinner this year. I'm ready to prepare a wonderful meal! My plan will be fairly simple to follow. The basics rules: No sugar and keeping a calorie budget. I might add 500 calories to my "bank," although at Thanksgiving, the additional 1,000 I allowed was tapped for less than 300 extra calories.

I honestly don't feel the need to stuff myself just because it's a holiday. If I find myself doing that, my focus is all wrong. The focus will be on loved ones around me, visiting and feeling good--instead of piling on the food, feeling miserable and regretting my choices. I want to feel great about my choices.

The biggest mental shift is realizing how reasonable portions doesn't equate to less of a good time. I'll eat well, I'll maintain the integrity of my plan, I will exercise well and I will have a wonderful Christmas. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, too!

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, 22 December 2014

December 22nd, 2014 Super Late

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December 22nd, 2014 Super Late

My workday didn't end until well after 9pm. Then I spent some Christmas get-together time with my oldest daughter before she leaves tomorrow for the better part of a week.

It's super late, again. As much as I hate to post such a short note for a blog page, I must.

Letting the Tweets tell the tale tonight...

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, 21 December 2014

December 21st, 2014 Adjusting Plans

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December 21st, 2014 Adjusting Plans

One thing is certain, I caught up on a bunch of sleep this weekend! The challenge with a late start is getting out of that routine/groove and adjusting to a later in the day schedule. I deal with that adjustment every weekend. And I've managed to make it work. My food day started so late today, there was nothing 'breakfast' about it.

My plan this evening was to workout and prepare a good dinner at home. A friend called me late needing a favor. They needed a ride an hour and a half away to meet their family for Christmas. It was a three hour round trip drive. And because I'm a super cool friend, I agreed to make it happen.

Committing to this drive tonight required me to change my plans considerably. I decided dinner would be the same 450 calories I consumed for my post-workout snack yesterday. Considering the options on the road--with convenience stores and fast food, it was my best option.

I struggled a bit with my water today. I just now finished my last water of the day, making 8 cups exactly.

It's super late, so I'm wrapping this up for tonight. Many things to write about in the coming days as we get into Christmas week!

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, 20 December 2014

December 20th, 2014 Blessed Saturday

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December 20th, 2014 Blessed Saturday

It felt really good to sleep in this morning. I slept until I didn't want to anymore. This ability to sleep well is by far the biggest blessing of my weight loss. Not to say that my apnea symptoms can't return, because they clearly might, but so far, so good. I hope and pray it stays that way.

I accomplished quite a lot today. I caught up on some emails and comments, had a nice brunch out, worked out at the YMCA and stopped by the studio to catch up on some commercial production before meeting my daughter Amber, for dinner.

I enjoyed a couple of phone calls from some incredibly inspiring friends, too.

It's days like this when I sit back and truly appreciate my blessings.  

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, 19 December 2014

December 19th, 2014 Free Food

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December 19th, 2014 Free Food

My location broadcast today included a table full of free food. Hot dogs topped with homemade beef chili and cheese, chips, cookies, soft drinks and hot cocoa. It took saying, "No, thank you" three times before people stopped suggesting I eat something. I was under the impression it was only a two hour broadcast, so I was perfectly content waiting for my return to the studio for lunch. Then I discovered it was a three hour broadcast. Hmmm...suddenly the chili started looking really good! I reached out for support from friends and soon, I was right back in the proper mindset.

In hindsight, I should have packed some fruit or something to hold me over. My lunch back at the studio was good--and I successfully continued a very busy day without giving in to the free food.

We've been short staffed this week due to illness among our ranks. This has created more work and longer days for me. Of course, they have and would do the same for me again--so no complaints. It's been a tiring week, though. I'm looking forward to a little relaxation over the weekend. Perhaps some sleeping in is in order.

My water consumption is up since I started including it in my accountability tweets. I know this can only be a good thing. I hit 12 cups today. Maybe not a personal record, but close.

I've worked out really well this week, so after an exceptionally long day, I decided to allow myself a rest day.

I haven't had a chance to reply to the comments from yesterday's post. I plan on doing that in the morning. If one of those comments was from you, thank you for sharing. And if you find yourself relating to the struggle described in yesterday's post and you prefer a more private way of communicating, send me an email: transformation.road@gmail.com If I can offer something that helps, I certainly will.

It's late and I'm really tired. Hitting the pillow shortly.

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, 18 December 2014

December 18th, 2014 Don't Give Up

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December 18th, 2014 Don't Give Up

Don't give up. If everything in your mind is saying it's hopeless, it isn't. Don't give up. The time will come again. The "click" will happen. The plan will be made with parameters customized to you, based on what you've learned along the way. Don't give up. If you feel a million miles away from getting into the groove toward weight loss and better health, be patient and don't give up.

As I look back on the time before this ongoing turnaround from relapse and regain, it's hard to believe how far down I felt at the worst points along the way. A good friend who has been there, wouldn't let me go; wouldn't let me release what little hope I had left. I was giving up everyday. I felt stuck. I felt trapped. I felt like my choices were not my own, as if possessed. I was scared. I isolated. I felt alone, like nobody could possibly understand the struggle. I was wrong. Plenty of people understand the struggle. Maybe you understand exactly what I'm writing about. Don't give up.

At this point, a food and exercise plan isn't the most immediate thing needed. The most immediate thing needed is someone to tell you, you're not alone--and this isn't the end. There's hope. And a better day may not be today, tomorrow or next week. But a better day is coming for you if, you don't give up. Let me be that someone. You're not alone. This isn't the end.

I don't remember the moment of truth. I don't remember the exact words spoken to me. I do remember being filled with hope once again and realizing it was a turning point. I could have easily turned the other way. If I had made that choice, to ignore and isolate further, by now I would have once again exceeded 500 pounds--there's not a shred of doubt about it.

I spent plenty of time exploring thoughts of thanks and gratitude today for the incredible blessing this turnaround has become. I've often wondered why my friend, Gerri Helms, didn't get exhausted and give up on me back there, not too long ago. Now I know why. She's been there, too. And she knows the truth. It isn't hopeless. She believed in me when I no longer believed in myself and she convinced me to give it another look, or several.

I may not know you personally. We've likely never met or spoken to one another. But based on what I know about this journey, I can tell you with 100% confidence, I believe in you. 

I'm not special. What I've done and what I'm doing isn't unique. It's been done by countless people before me. I believe we each have it inside us. It's there, just waiting until you're ready to tap its blessings. It's in you, too. Don't give up.

Instead of describing my day, I'll let the Tweets tell the story. It was a good day.

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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