The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser

Today, I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained abstinent from refined sugar, I exceeded my daily minimum 64oz water goal,

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Tuesday, 13 January 2015

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January 13th, 2015 A Breakthrough

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January 13th, 2015 A Breakthrough

Days like today are the best kind. When you face down irrational fears, trust whatever bad you're imagining isn't the truth and what everyone is telling you is, something powerful happens. I think it's best described as a breakthrough. 

I've had several of these over the last six years, dating back to Day 1 when my youngest daughter, Courtney, accompanied her 505 pound dad to the walking trail. My irrational fear that night was that I would surely drop dead at the slightest exertion. I took it very slow, waddled really, and I made it, maybe a 1/4 mile. It wasn't far in actual distance, but psychologically it was to the moon and back. The truth was, even at 505 pounds, I could move without dying. And I could do just a small amount more each night, until eventually I could do whatever distance I desired, without fear. 

I remember returning to the YMCA after my relapse and dramatic regain. It was tough to walk through those doors again. My irrational fear was born from me projecting how I felt about myself onto everyone around me. If I was ashamed and incredibly disappointed in myself, surely everyone else was too. I was convinced that I would be confronted, shamed and maybe scolded as a fraud by the people who once watched me speak an inspiring and motivating message to large crowds in that very building. I put it off and put it off and finally decided to face whatever was coming. What came, couldn't have been further from my imagination. I was embraced. I was encouraged. I was congratulated. I was perfectly fine. From that first trip back, it was easy to go. The elliptical was set on level 2 and I wanted to quit after 5 minutes and now, with consistency over time, I can do level 14 for 30 minutes straight without ever feeling the need to give up.

I remember the paralyzing fear I had of taking my shirt off and swimming in public. I just knew everyone in the pool area would gasp with wide eyed disgust over the loose skin and stretch mark battle scars I've earned over the years. Why would I even put myself in this position to be humiliated?? Because I wanted to feel the water. I wanted to experience my own weightless buoyancy. I wanted to feel the freedom it represented. I was upset with myself for ever bringing it up. I was changing in the locker room and thinking , why did I ever bring this up? It was too late to turn back. As I waited by the door, with the pool on the other side, waiting for what I didn't know---until a larger man, bigger than me, confidently walked past and out into the pool area, like he had done it a million times. That's what I was waiting for. I followed and I did it. I swam. It was an emotional moment when I realized how completely wrong my irrational fears had been over the years. Nobody laughed, nobody even paid attention really. It wasn't a big deal to anyone else, but me. And it was a big deal that also required forgiving myself. Why? Because the reality I discovered that day was that the only one who was judging me, was me. Now, although I don't swim very often, I could easily do it anytime, any pool--without hesitation.

Today was similar to these experiences. Perhaps a little less dramatic, but still--a big deal to me. My hangups about weight/strength training are long and storied, dating back to childhood in the school weight room where I held the title of the weakest kid in the district. It was embarrassing then, to not even be able to successfully bench press the bar. What made me think those school kid faces would return thirty years later and repeat their cruel and obviously entertained reaction? Irrational fears. Nobody wants me to fail. They want me to succeed. Nobody is waiting to get their kicks by watching me struggle with a lightweight dumbbell. (I did struggle!) But most importantly, I did it. And now, with reality proven, doing it again and again will be a choice unencumbered by incredibly unrealistic and irrational expectations.
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I walked over to the free weights for some bicep hammer curls and it was crowded. A couple of women were using 25 pound free weights. I reached for the 12.5 pound weights, because--hey, they're not the smallest! I quickly realized I wasn't ready for 12.5 pounds. So without hesitation, I returned them to the rack and grabbed the 5 pound weights. It's a start. And everyone starts somewhere, right? Nobody noticed either. I was doing my thing. Everyone else was doing theirs.

I was impressed with the machines requiring back and shoulder muscles. I could push and pull some pretty good weight! This is good to know. I'm looking forward to my progress. Today was my "level 2" on the weights. If I'm consistent as I plan to be, I'll be handling level 14 before long.

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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