The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser

Today, I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained abstinent from refined sugar, I exceeded my daily minimum 64oz water goal,

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Saturday, 29 November 2014

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November 29th, 2014 Slightly Off Center

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November 29th, 2014 Slightly Off Center

I felt good this morning. I was scheduled to play in a big blackjack tournament for charity. I really wanted to do well for the charity I chose, the local domestic violence shelter, but it was not to be! I lost on a bad run of cards where the dealer hit blackjack three out of six hands. The casino sponsoring the event was to match whatever I won and the plan was to present the money raised to the charity on the air Tuesday morning.

The casino agreed to make a donation despite my horrible tournament demise--so the presentation will happen as planned on Tuesday, although the check will not be as big as it could have been had I not played so aggressively! I was going for it!! It wasn't typical blackjack strategy--it was tournament strategy, a little different. I say that like I'm a seasoned pro--this was actually my first tournament. If a chance to play for charity comes up again, I'll do it! It was fun.

The casino bought my lunch and gave me a fancy wine cork as a parting gift (I've already re-gifted the wine cork).  I ordered almost the same as when I attended the TG Sheppard event at the same place. Sirloin steak, fruit and cottage cheese--and this time, a side of mushrooms.

I was disappointed in not winning or at least placing in the tournament, but not to the degree of it affecting me emotionally. But for some strange reason...

I had some serious struggle this afternoon. I had some errant food thoughts outside of what I know is right and good. The key to getting past these occasional thoughts is to get them out and in the open as quickly as possible. I know myself well enough to know, that if I keep them to myself, they'll keep at me, chipping away at my resolve. 

I've learned to "tell on 'em." So, I did just that. I composed it in a text and fired it off to Life Coach Gerri. As soon as I hit the send button--those thoughts are no longer exclusively in my head. They become "exposed." And it diminishes their power considerably. Gerri replied, we exchanged thoughts and support for one another, then I prepared a really good dinner. I was back in the proper mindset, thank goodness.

This struggle today was almost as if I had ingested some sugar inadvertently. I went back over everything I had consumed in the last couple of days and I couldn't find anything. I finally concluded it was purely emotional. Being upset emotionally--even when it isn't anything major, can create an imbalance just enough--to set things on tilt, or slightly off center. 

It IS NOT EASY to step outside of these things and evaluate instead of acting first and evaluating later. It is not natural for me to do this at all. I know when I'm feeling weak and at risk and it's at this intersection where I must decide: Do I turn left and make choices that could possibly be devastating?Or do I turn right and reach out for support? I know I don't want devastating, so I better reach out for help.

Having these occasional struggles can be scary and exhausting. Suddenly, you start doubting everything and then it gets really easy to turn it into very negative thoughts about what you're doing and how you're doing it. I believe the important thing to remember is to do the best you can and allow it to be good enough without the self-abrasive and abusive thinking. None of us are perfect and we don't have to be perfect--I wouldn't want to be perfect, that's too much pressure! Self-compassion is important.

After dinner and into the evening after my text correspondence with Gerri, I felt strong again. I still ended up taking a day off from working out--even though that wasn't part of my plan today, but it's fine. I'm good. My main concern today was simply staying "food sober," and that means staying within the boundaries of my food plan, maintaining the integrity of each element. I did that. Today was a success when it could have easily been a disaster. Yay. 

My Tweets Today:












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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